Haute Mess
Presenting a fresh batch of The List, an inventory of celebrity fashion crimes.
Ella Emhoff
Hello and welcome to a shiny new year, which began on a not-too-shiny note. No sooner did Hurricane Helene fade from the headlines, brush fires consumed 34,000 acres of Los Angeles. Not exactly the rosy start we were hoping for.
2025’s inauspicious start had me thinking… should I be a little kinder? Amid all this heartbreak and grief, why not sprinkle the world with blossoms of positivity, rather than flinging out caustic little barbs? Then I came upon this old Joan Rivers interview from 2014 and, well, I take it all back.
If you watch till the end, you’ll see the great comedian rip out her earpiece and storm off the set. Why? Likely to avoid suffocating under a toxic cloud of smugness and condescension emanating from CNN host Fredericka Whitfield. After being chided for saying mean, hurty things, and before storming off, Ms. Rivers drops a timeless home-truth: “Life is hard. If you can make a joke to lighten things up, do it. It’s not about the people—it’s about the clothes!”
Amen, Joan.
We already have a fawning celebrity press to bow and scrape before the rich and famous, especially those on the correct side of the culture wars. Which brings us to Kamala Harris’ stepdaughter and Princess of the Twee Zoomer Mishmash, Ella Emhoff…
Is it me or does she look like the mannequin in a Goodwill display window?
No matter. The fashion establishment has been determined to make her a star ever since 2021, the year Kamala ascended to the White House—the same year prestige modeling agency IMG signed her as a model-slash-artist, catapulting her to the runway alongside Gigi Hadid and Karlie Kloss. She has since collaborated with Prada and Tory Burch and glowingly profiled by CNN, Vanity Fair and The New York Times.
On a positive note, she did manage to leapfrog legions of young ambitious fashionistas by raiding the contents of the $5 bin at Value Village. Good for her, I guess.
Kim Kardashian
No matter how rich, how industrious or how close she gets to becoming a full-fledged lawyer, one thing will forever overshadow Kim K.’s achievements. She’ll always be known for jump-starting her rise to fame with the release of a sex tape. Even if we wished to forget, she insists on reminding us…
Will she ever practice law? Who knows. If so, you can be sure her chosen firm will require contouring and lash application training. As for the dress code, anything hideous, constrictive and confusing will do.
Ali Wong
It pains me to include Ali Wong here because she’s talented, funny and delightful in Netflix’s Beef. Sadly, most of her red carpet outfits are over-cooked. In her quest for radical originality, she forgot that fashion is a language of references. Point out the wrong one and it can’t be unseen…
Granted, the Grover reference might be a stretch. But nothing can convince me this wasn’t inspired by the end graphic of a Solitaire game on Windows 95…
Kamala Harris
I’m confused…
The former Veep has natural good looks and vibrancy to spare. During her presidential campaign, she had the cream of the fashion industry mobilizing on her behalf and, having raised $1.5 billion in campaign funds, endless resources at her disposal.
Why, then, did virtually ALL of her campaign-trail wardrobe—including a parade of boxy, poorly tailored power suits—appear to have been plucked from a 1984 Sears catalog?
Katy Perry
“Katy Perry, please stop.”
Those were the immortal last words of Sister Catherine Rose Holzman, one of the nuns who fought the pop star in court to stop her from buying the Los Angeles convent Sister Catherine once called home.
I’d assumed the late nun was referring to Katy’s mission to buy the house. But now I think she meant “stop with these batshit outfits...”
Kimberly Guilfoyle
You can tell a lot about people by their style choices. Even minor details like “favourite Christmas carol.” If I had to guess, I’d say Kim Guilfoyle’s is Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby…
Much like the song—which includes the line “Come trim my Christmas tree”—Don Jr.’s former arm candy is anything but subtle. You may have heard that her once-future father-in-law has, by way of ambassadorship, banished her to Greece. Word has it her endless impersonation of an animatronic AI sexdoll might have been the main reason.
When your nonstop parade of body-con dresses, cleavage and stilettos are too tasteless for Mar-a-Lago, you know you’re in trouble.
Lady Victoria Hervey
Based on what I’ve learned watching Downton Abbey, Britain’s aristocracy has been on a downward trajectory basically since World War I. But Lady VH—eldest child of the 6th Marquess of Bristol and former Prince Andrew sweetheart—isn’t crying in her cereal. Oh no. She’s been busy promoting her new line of prancersize wear. I’m hearing some of these creations will be featured in her upcoming gender-swapped Evil Knievel biopic…
Beyonce
I still can’t believe that 800-millionaire Beyonce Knowles collected $10 million to appear at a Kamala rally (and didn’t even perform a single song). The upside, I suppose, is we now have indisputable proof that money cannot buy taste.
That does it for The List, but before I go, a question for you dear readers: Does ABC News anchor David Muir deserve at least a dishonorable mention?
I ask because the ABC star was absolutely roasted on social media for using clamps to cinch his flame-retardant jacket while broadcasting from fire-ravaged Pallisades in LA earlier this month.
Was this a vain attempt to look snacky to his viewers? Or common practice by wardrobe people to achieve cleaner lines? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
Yes they are shiny objects devoid of content and thus people are dazzled. Our adversaries watch our media and its content and can only come to the conclusion that teenage acne is an existential threat.
All very good points. How can these women, many of whom are naturally pretty, make themselves look so bad, so cheap and tasteless? They all have money—can’t they afford a mirror?