A Brief of Sartorial Grief

Welcome back to The List, an unofficial catalog of people badly in need of a stylist, or even just a mirror

Greetings all and thanks for reading this second installment of the List.

I didn’t expect to be back so soon but the world seems to be buzzing right now with awards shows and nicer weather coaxing celebrities out of their lairs. And since the disasters keep coming, I couldn’t let them pass without comment. As Richard Blackwell said, “It's not about being mean; it’s about creating a tremendous documentary of Americana.” Blackwell is the giant on whose shoulders I stand and if posterity as an excuse was good enough for him, it’s certainly good enough for me.  

Let’s find out who made history these past few weeks…

Lauren Sanchez

Amazon has announced a new initiative. It’s designed to combat counterfeit products and ensure authenticity or something. Anyway, it’s called the Transparency Program and as fiancé of the company’s executive chairmen, Lauren Sanchez wanted to be a team player…

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Meryl Streep

The Three’s Company big-screen reboot is gonna be lit. Meryl Streep has been cast as Mrs. Roper… 

Speaking of casting, I wonder if it haunts Anna Wintour that it was Meryl Street who played her in the box office smash The Devil Wears Prada.

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Travis Kelce

Mothers raising sons know there’s a window when it comes to dressing them. By a certain age, usually around early puberty, little boys tend to dig their heels in, refusing any further sartorial editing. At age 34, NFL star Travis Kelce has yet to reach this stage… 

Having said that, I doubt Mrs. Kelce had much to do with this, which looks to me more like an Illuminati humiliation ritual…

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The Last Dinner Party

Introducing Britain’s latest music sensation—the Last Dinner Party, hailed as ‘indie’s buzziest band’ by The Guardian.

I’m old enough to remember when the Spice Girls topped the UK billboards. Boy, those were sunnier days. Clearly, the era of upbeat spicy grrrrrlll power is over. These are grim times, especially for the record industry, where 98 percent of musicians don’t earn enough to live. No surprise the fastest-rising musical act comes off as a sisterhood of psychotic Heathers who invited you to their remote gothic mansion only to hunt you for sport.

I get it. Not every girl band has to be Josie and the Pussycats and Brits have always had a soft spot for Kate-Bush-y, goth-core essentials—velveteen, laced corsets and the soul-penetrating glare of the last face you see before being bludgeoned to death by a medieval war hammer…

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Barbra Streisand

Oh, look! Babs is at the SAG awards and she’s making jazz hands. Why? Is this joy over her receiving a life achievement award? No, she’s thrilled at being named the first-ever female imperial potentate of the Shriners…

Talk about versatile. Not only is she head of a masonic fellowship but also a wildly successful singer, actress, Wiccan high priestess and Olympic ice dancer … 

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Cherie Blair

Oof! 

What is happening here? Wait, I think I know…

Hiroo Onoda was an Imperial Japanese Army officer who fought in World War II and spent 29 years hiding in the Philippines, unaware that the war had ended.

Likewise, nobody told Mrs. Blair that postwar British austerity also ended. Hence, her insistence on recycling curtains and tablecloths into dresses and blouses.

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Heidi Klum

From supermodel to reality TV star, Heidi Klum has had a remarkable career. Did you know she also has a remarkable backstory? Once upon a time, she dwelled among the gods and goddesses of Mount Olympus. But then the other deities banished her for her terrible sense of style. 

Now she dwells among mere mortals, kind of like Daryl Hannah’s mermaid character in Splash. Plucky and inventive, she currently shelters in a craft emporium. By day, she blends in with the shoppers. By night, she gathers up scraps of sheer fabric, sequins and other doo-dads, turning them into dresses for glitzy award shows…

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Sam Smith

Remember this?

That’s Elaine in the Seinfeld episode “The Hamptons.” She’s blushing because dashing pediatrician Ben Pfeffer just told her she’s ‘breathtaking.’ It was in this episode we discover her Hamptons friends have a baby so ugly, she compares it to a Pekingese. Watch her reaction when Dr. Pfefer also describes the baby as ‘breathtaking…’

I was reminded of that Seinfeld episode when a Sam Smith headline floated onto my radar…

At which point, this hall-of-fame meme also came to mind… 

Memo to Metro: if, by ‘sensational,’ you mean ‘on day release,’ then yes–he looks sensational. 

Meanwhile, a headline from PinkNews also caught my eye: 

Sam Smith slays with surprise Vivienne Westwood catwalk strut. 

Apart from “good taste” and our retinas, I can’t figure out the ‘it’ that he’s slaying… 

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Speaking of retinas, I’ve offended yours long enough. Until next time, the List wishes you a pleasant and fruitful spring.