Tracy Flick for Prime Minister!

Say hello to Karina Gould, Ottawa’s toast to mid-wit mediocrity

Congratulations, Liberal Party of Canada, on your extraordinary line-up of leadership candidates. It’s an embarrassment of riches.

Wait. Sorry. Scratch ‘of riches.’ It’s just an embarrassment.

Where to begin? Let’s start with the race itself.

Because Justin Trudeau can’t hack the humiliation of voters handing him his ass, he’s opted for a leadership race, thereby proroguing Parliament in the middle of an unprecedented trade crisis, one with the potential to re-classify Canada as a failed state. So, as the country sinks deeper into malaise and lurches closer to bankruptcy, the ruling party—which caused the malaise in the first place—decided to take a mental health break to work through its shit.

Enter a clown car of also-rans and Hail Mary leading contender, Mark Carney—unelected central banker and long-time advisor to Justin Trudeau. While a populism wave sweeps the Western world, Liberals decide to parachute in a Goldman Sachs alumnus multi-millionaire friend of corporate America, the British aristocracy and Ghislaine Maxwell.

Next in line is Chrystia Freeland, already picked over by the Laurentian establishment, followed by Burlington MP Karina Gould, a kind of ersatz Freeland. The main difference is that the Burlington MP isn’t tweaking and twitching like she’s coming down or crawling with fire ants.

Policy-wise, there’s not much sunlight between any of these candidates. Something about change and hope and net-zero fantasies but also oil and gas infrastructure and more change because Canadians want change. Karina Gould’s distinguishing traits are a) she has even fewer original ideas than the others and b) she’s the most vanilla. Her campaign photos are indistinguishable from stock photography…

Meet the LPC’s Tracy Flick candidate. Like the ferociously perky go-getter in Alex Payne’s 1999 film Election, she makes up for a lack of ideas with junior executive-level ambition and a laser-focus on career advancement.

If this reminds you a little of Hilary or the Joy and Coconuts lady, you’re on the right track. Karina Gould is the Temu Hilary. She’s Kamala minus the vibrancy and flowing auburn locks. Her recently posted leadership announcement video is pure Kamala managerial pep talk drizzled in maple syrup mawkishness:

“There are people out there tearing down Canada. Saying Canada is broken. Saying we should become American. So to them, let me tell you what Canada is. It’s the local hockey rink or soccer pitch where kids shoot for their dreams. It’s the maple leaf sewn on every backpack. It’s the poutine and beaver tail after playing outside. It’s helping your neighbours shovel their driveway after a snowstorm. We are a strong, hardworking and caring people who do not back down from fighting for what is right.”

***burping sound

Pardon me. Mushy, warmed-over campaign babble makes me dyspeptic. As does Tim Hortons-esque patriotism. (You’d think the current, filthy state of your average Timmies would discourage this).

Tracy Flick candidates like Karina are the grown-up Head Girls of public service. You’ll recall the type from back in high school—the ones singled out for leadership thanks to their high marks, zesty outlook and cunning ability to reflect back to the administration its core wishes. Politics attracts Head Girls like computer screens attract moths.

Explaining, in kindergarten voice, what your country’s all about is signature Head Girl. (Listening’s not their strong suit, evidenced here by the fact that she turned off comments on her X post.) Canada, says Ersatz Hilary, is beaver tails and poutine and the Canadian flag sewn on the backpack. (Oh no. Not that. Not the dead giveaway of Smug Canadian Abroad, desperate to distinguish himself from those gauche Americans he looks down his nose at.)

High school never leaves Head Girl, which is why Karina’s video announcement has the feel of a group project—not to mention a brazen gaslight. Because, really, who does this smarmy lecture appeal to, other than brain-dead wine moms and Baby Boomers, the demographic most prone to overlooking the surreal incompetence and towering self-regard of the Trudeau government? In a country spoiled for resources, we have the housing prices of New York, the wages of Mississippi, the GDP of Alabama and higher taxes than all 50 US states. Canadians spend more on taxes than food, shelter and clothing combined. At least there’s free healthca…. Oh wait. A 2023 study reported that, in the past year, 31,397 patients were estimated to have “died after waiting anywhere from less than a week to nearly 11 years on surgery or a diagnostic scan.”

When it comes to the Current Thing, grown-up Head Girl favours compliance over competence. When those unwashed trucker rebels refused to fall in line, Karina called them white supremacists and nazis. Months later, she went awfully quiet on Nazis after an actual one, Yaroslav Hunka, made an appearance in the House of Commons.

When it came to light that Hunka had fought in the SS Division Galicia of the military wing of the Nazi Party, Karina asked to have his appearance struck from her résumé the official House record. Clearly she did NAZI that coming.

There hasn’t been much talk of Ukraine from the MP as she makes the media rounds to promote her leadership bid. Just that particular kind of confidence acquired through daily mirror affirmations. “I’m tough. I’ve got chutzpah,” she tells CTV’s Vassy Kapelos.

When Vassy—who can barely keep a straight face—presses for something more concrete, Karina tells her: “We’re doing everything we can…” followed by—brace yourselves—“Everything is on the table.”

Having things on the table is nice. Like food, for instance. Can’t afford it? Get in an ever-growing lineup at the food bank. Maybe they’re serving poutine and beaver tails. Meanwhile, get off your ass and shovel your neighbours’ driveway.