A Syllabus of Horribilis
Introducing The List, an all-new annual catalogue of the worst dressed people in the world.
Whatever happened to all those old ‘worst-dressed’ lists? They were such a guilty pleasure. It seems the rise of stylists–whose job is to shield celebrities from this dubious accolade–all but killed them off. That and gossip rags like People and Us, fearing they could lose access, started playing nice.
Richard Blackwell is long gone. So is Queen of the Zinger Joan Rivers, whose show Fashion Police was a pulpit from which she fired her acid tongue critiques–not just of celebrity taste but celebrity culture. She once joked that the backstage models’ tent at Fashion Week smelt like barf. On Liv Tyler’s tuxedo jacket at the New York Spring Spectacular, she remarked: “I like black on black. Gayle, Oprah? Do you hear that?” On Angelina Jolie’s 2012 diamond engagement ring from Brad Pitt, she said: “Not only did he design the ring, but I understand he bought all the kids who mined the diamonds.” Alas, Hollywood hates to be teased, which is why it never bothered to replace Blackwell or Rivers or, for that matter, ask Ricky Gervais back to host the Golden Globes.
Well, Hollywood’s not our boss! Rivers and Blackwell are gone but ordinary schmoes like yours truly are free to critique–just as one would movies or crispy chicken sandwiches, both of which are a lot harder to pull off than choosing what to wear. Hence, I introduce–in no particular order of wretchedness–a curated list of people in desperate need of a stylist… or even just a mirror.
Enjoy!
Jill Biden
The Washington Post is reporting that during a White House ‘crafternoon,’ the First Lady found a wonderful use for discarded Quality Street candy wrappers…
The fashion press being not exactly culture-war neutral, has nothing but praise for FLOTUS’ fashion choices. These are the people who declared Michelle Obama a fashion icon while dismissing Melania as “controversial.” But who are you gonna believe? WWD or your own lying eyes?
Not all are pleased with Dr. Jill’s style choices. Minecraft is suing for copyright infringement and Jackie O is spinning in her grave.
Madonna
There is a certain beauty to dignity and aging. Then there is Madonna…
I know I’ll be called ageist for this—or misogynist or a hater—but it’s possible to salute Madonna’s significant cultural impact and point out she looks like a past-her-prime chanteuse at the Kit Kat Klub during the last days of the Weimer Republic. That’s when she’s not looking like Dee Schnyder after a session with his flattening iron…
Manchester Nightclub Chavettes
Have you seen the viral TikTok account #ManchesterNightlife? Whoever records these videos has been mercilessly dragged on social media for behaving like a creepy Incel voyeur. How dare he pay attention to outfits painstakingly designed to grab attention?
IMO, these videos are not that different from venerable wildlife documentaries, from Wild Kingdom to Our Planet. All that’s missing is David Attenborough’s rousing voiceover…
In the heart of Manchester, a nightclub scene is the natural habitat of the enigmatic British female… orange-tanned, scantily attired, lips plumped and glistening. With only their mates to steady and keep them warm, every step along these cobblestones is a carefully calculated maneuver. The night unfolds, the moon glistens brighter and the kebab shop beckons…
Chrystia Freeland
To be more ‘positive’ in 2024, allow me to first share the one upside to the Deputy PM’s egregiously awful style: she runs zero risk of being honked at by a trucker!
On the downside, sadly, everything she wears is ill-fitting, hopelessly out-of-date, wrinkled and dowdy. Minister Freeland, a word? You’re in the Canadian Parliament, not the Soviet Politburo!
I get it… female politicians can’t win. No matter what they wear, someone will drag them, which is why I hesitated to include her. Also, I worried she’d take revenge and freeze my bank account. Alas, her fashion crimes were just too brazen and, as she might say, nobody is above the law.
Zoomers
I said this in an earlier column and it bears repeating: Zoomer fashion is a sh*t sandwich…
The basic recipe is to layer ill-fitting Y2K sweatshop deadstock over a vintage 1970s Butterick pattern creation and accessorize with kitsch 80s home-made jewelry, piercings in weird places and something kawaii–the emetic ‘Hello Kitty’ cutesiness Japanese girls never grow out of.
The overall effect is “chaotic, hopeless and insolvent” which, to GenZ’s credit, pretty much describes the current state of the world.
Olivia Wilde
To be fair, Olivia wore this Chloe violin dress (centre) to the Met Gala, an annual event that’s ever indistinguishable from a Zoolander walkoff. Nonetheless, every time she steps out, I think either her stylist hates her or she just lost a bet.
Fashion insiders positively gush over these risqué types of dresses while the rest of us scratch our heads. It’s kind of like how highbrow film critics rave about boring pretentious art films the rest of us would rather eat a bus tire than watch. We the uncultured plebes lack the sophistication to truly appreciate such genius. Trust me–it’s not us. It’s them.
Sam Smith
Somewhere in heaven (or hell), Henry VIII is grumbling ‘bitch stole my outfit.’
Also, “Where’s his codpiece?” Meanwhile, Jeff Koons, creator of this black balloon dog, would also like a word…
The Cast of And Just Like That
I can’t bring myself to hate-watch another season of this show. Tell me, are they all still dressed like your crazy aunt when she goes off her meds? Also, is Kim Cattrall still relieved she stayed miles away from the SATC spinoff?
Never mind. Clearly the answer is ‘yes’ and ‘yes.’
Bianca Censori + Ye
Bianca: Honey, what are you wearing tonight?
Ye: Something casual… T-shirt with shoulder pads and ‘Police’ written in German. Probably my SCUBA booties. You?
Bianca: Something normal I think…
Psst… Bianca! A word? Given your husband’s reputation for exerting sartorial command over his lady friends, I suspect this was his idea. (I’m guessing that amorous moment in a Venice river taxi was as well.) It doesn’t have to be like this. You and I can go to the mall. Pick you out something nice. Jeans maybe or a cute summer dress. Anything but this. If you’re down, blink twice.
Julia Fox
Coco Chanel, admiring the style of grieving Parisian widows, used black in her own collection and ‘fashionable black’ was born. Julia Fox admired the shiny crinkle of her dryer duct and thought… dayum!
Having dated Ye, Julia comes by it honestly. I’m guessing she’d like to be famous for her own sake and leave her associations with Ye behind—kind of like what she’s done with her pants at this Pornhub-sponsored event. TBF, wearing diapers to an event sponsored by Pornhub has a certain internal logic.
That’s enough eyeball-scorching for one session. Until next time, The List wishes you a fruitful and tasteful 2024.
I miss Joan Rivers too.
Wow - now I better understand how Jill could of married the delaware dimwit - she seems to have no class at all and her dress choices make me puke.